Being trapped in the same rat race for years is a restless and draining process. Always seeking the next best thing left me in state of greed and endless desire. Nothing I ever achieved was fulfilling. The problem was that I never once stopped to reflect on my achievements, even if they were small because I didn’t feel deserving of the blessing I received. It’s like rubbing salt on an open wound. Unless you accept yourself for who you are and your past for whatever that may be, you will always seek others’ approval. As children, we didn’t have the opportunity to choose our beliefs, and we believed everything the adults said. We agree with them, and our faith is so strong that the belief system controls the rest of our lives. We then unconsciously live a life that others have determined because we listen to their opinions regarding our strengths and weaknesses. I am tired of living this way. Achieving everlasting happiness may feel like a far fetched dream, but I know it is possible! We have often normalised living in fear and misery that being happy has become uncommon. The older I get, I am beginning to learn that I hold power to the future I desire, and I no longer focus on the destination as much as I do on the journey. I am slowly chipping away at my old agreements and planting seeds of hope. I lost my identity once, and I am not willing to lose it again.
Looking back, I was (and still) never an academically inclined student and always had trouble getting top grades. Though, I was a hard worker, and determined. I was made to feel stupid all the time by some family members, peers and teachers that manifested into the desire to prove people wrong and prove to THEM what I was capable off. I did just that and achieved grades I never thought I could achieve in my lifetime. I worked my ass off to achieve these grades, had no social life, worked through the days even when I felt burnt out. I achieved an award for being one of the top achievers in my school and my peers congratulated me whilst having being in a complete state of shock. This moment should have made me feel invincible, I had achieved everything I desired but why did I still felt insecure and belittle? It was a strange feeling that cannot be explained. This vicious cycle of proving people wrong took away my identity and the once happy and carefree girl become closed off and cold. It took me years to realise that I had the ability to achieve anything when I put my mind to it and that I didn’t need to prove anything to anyone. It’s like a eureka moment that happens very rarely in your life time when you realise that all this time you have been living the wrong way. I was chasing something that I thought will provide me with fulfilment and happiness but that wasn’t true. I am my only remedy to a poisoned mind.